Struggling with Sleepless Nights

Toby's first birthday is in a couple weeks.  He does not sleep through the night.  He never has.  Not once this past year.  It's been better the last few weeks, but prior to that, he averaged waking up 3-6 times per night.  Here are some thoughts that may or may not be helpful to someone else in the same circumstance.

1.  This is hard.  Very very hard.  We know something about sleep deprivation after years of medical residency.  That also is very hard.  This is probably harder, because it never stops.
2. This has been a little easier for us because Ben also didn't sleep through the night until 15 months old (Actually, it's been harder because of the same reason).  What I mean is that a significant part of the stamina battle is the despair that "my child will NEVER again sleep through the night".  Corollary: "I will NEVER again sleep through the night."  Things were such a struggle with Ben, and yet the large majority of nights where Toby was waking up, Ben was sleeping peacefully.  And so will Toby.  It.  Will.  Happen.
3. The perfectly natural response of many people to hearing our difficulties is "Wow, that's hard.  What do you think the problem is?  Have you tried…?"  We would prefer them to stop after "Wow, that's hard."  And maybe follow with, "Would you like some coffee?"  It's very natural, but another significant part of the battle is being plagued by the feeling that this is due to something we are or are not doing.  And such innocent questions make us doubt ourselves all over again.  And yet we have tried everything.  Let him cry.  Pick him up.  Put him down awake.  Put him down asleep.  Absence of sleep cues.  Presence of sleep cues.  Quiet separate environment.  Different foods.  Sleeping in bed.  Swaddling.  Unswaddling.  White noise.  And every slight improvement gave birth to false hope which was followed up until those hopes dissipated into another sleepless night.  

So we have decided that it is not something we are or are not doing.  And we are done with that.  For whatever reason that we do not understand, God is allowing this to happen.  And we pray it ends soon.  But we will try to trust him in the ambiguity until then, believing that good things can come out of trusting in difficult circumstances when God is weaving his story.

It is exhausting.

But it will not last.

And it is not your fault or a deficit in your parenting.

"Vacationing" With Kids

The simple rule:  Vacations cost money, time, and sometimes physical energy.  They provide excitement, fun, memories, and sometimes physical rejuvenation.  We will choose to vacation as long, and as often as, it's costs are equal or greater to what one gets out of the vacation.

OK, we'll return to that.  A bit of back story.

If you know us, or even if you read this blog without really knowing us, you quickly figure out that Rachel and Eric enjoy traveling.  In fact, I (Eric) often say that traveling with Rachel is one of the best things I have found in this world.  Some couples don't travel well together.  We are not one of those couples. Within a 12-month period in 2005, when we lived in the US, I went to Turkey, Zambia, Botswana, Holland (and neighboring countries) and Costa Rica.  And then I felt like maybe I would want to stay in the US.  For at least 6 months.  So, that's who we are.  One must always figure in the various costs, but in general, if we can find the time, it's not too hard for a vacation to be "worth it" for us.

Enter children.

How exactly the presence of children will change vacation decisions will be highly individual.  But I offer to you the following principals for how this will certainly change the equation in certain directions:

On the cost side:

• When they are really young, they might not cost any more money.  Under 2 years old for planes, and in most public transport in Europe, under 4 is free.  It's a pretty mean museum ticket agent who asks for another ten bucks for a kid in a stroller.  Similarly, subways are free, though getting through those turnstiles with a stroller is quite a doozy.  However, as they get older, they quickly get to cost almost as much as another adult.  We will soon rapidly enter that phase.
• For physical energy, the cost goes up dramatically.  Our kids are pretty travel-savvy, and it hasn't been easy to make them that way.  Nevertheless, they never sleep as well somewhere else, and so the parents are always more tired.  If you're exploring a city or region, there can easily be a lot more stroller pushing and carrying, as well.  Time zones?  That ought to need no explanation.  The fact that it is still nighttime is not a reason for a little to kid to stay in bed if they are not sleepy

On the benefit side:

• This is where I've really been learning a lot.  Think about it:  If it's just adults, you wake up and eat, and spend the morning doing whatever.  You lunch whenever.  You spend the afternoon however.  You eat dinner wherever.  Afterwards, you can go walking or...whatever.
• Depending on the age of your kids, this may look quite different.  Our last trip was really a best-case scenario for little kids.  One kid takes one nap, and it's doesn't even have to happen every day.  OK, so you get up and head out for the day.  You have about 3 hours from opening time of most places until lunch.  After lunch is nap, until maybe 3:30.  It's a quiet time, if you're all in the same dark room, but it's somewhat relaxing.  Then you have about 2 hours after nap until dinnertime, which is not quite so flexible for the kiddos.  After dinner, there's not really enough time to do anything before kid's bedtime.  After bedtime, the parents can hang in the hotel bathroom planning the next day until they are ready for sleep.  So the whole day of experiencing the destination has become about 5 hours.
• Memories.  Well, the youngest of the kids won't remember it at all, and I'm not sure how much my kids will care, in the future, about how we've augmented their travel "statistics".  I get to see my kids chase pigeons in St. Mark's Square in Venice.  That's nice.  For me (since they don't care about the square, just the pigeons).  And it is.  Point one for traveling with kids, but I would be mistaken to prioritize that too highly.

OK, I'm done.  You can see where this is leading.  I truly have no wish to rant or rain on anyone's parade.  But these are the thoughts that have made us really reconsider how much traveling we will be doing in this phase of our lives.  And I'm thankful for the revelations, because they don't come easily for someone like me, whose travel plans have to be pried from his unconscious fingers oftentimes.  These thoughts free me to let these things go, realizing that this just isn't the same.  One day, it probably will be again, but not for now.

Will we totally stop all traveling for fun?  No.  Will we change the way we make such decisions?  Yes, significantly so.  And I offer it to those of you who think "Well, Eric and Rachel don't seem to have any trouble doing it."  Let it be known.

Toilet Paper Roll Art Projects

One day, Rachel told me she was saving a few toilet paper rolls, because "you never know when they'll be good for something with the kids."

So I took that idea, and drew 4 Sesame Street characters on them one day.  They were a huge hit, and Ben in particular liked to "wear" them like little gaudy cardboard wristbands, as he went around playing with other things.  So I did a few more, and Maggie enjoyed planning which character would be next.  

One day, she called out to me from the bathroom, holding an empty toilet paper roll, but instead of "Daddy, we need more toilet paper!" she excitedly said "Daddy, look!  The Count!" (our next planned character that day)  They have never seen an episode of Sesame Street, so this is good American education.

This led to the second project.  We love advent, but had neither wreath nor calendar this year.  So we asked our neighbors to save their rolls, and throughout advent, I would create characters from the Bible, and we would use them as props to tell various parts of the Christmas story.  We started with the Annunciation with just Mary, Joseph, and Gabriel.  Then we added an innkeeper and a donkey, and so on.  The kids really enjoyed it, and here was the finished ensemble: 

Over the holidays, my aunt and uncle gave Maggie and Ben a HUGE sticker book with Thomas the train characters and even stickers of rails and props for making your own tracks.  So, on returning to France (since the rolls keep coming, after all), we took to taping the stickers onto the rolls, and one afternoon made a map of Sodor on the back of an old poster.  Both kids enjoy it a lot.  One of Maggie's favorite activities is to line the engines up and flip the poster over to use as a "blanket" to put the engines down for their naps. 

We have a LOT of toilet paper rolls all over our house now...

Felt fairly creative until we visited a friend here who is making a to-scale model of the nearby chateau out of...gingerbread.  Very detailed and pretty awe-inspiring.